Friday, July 31, 2009

The Secret Life of a Bulimic Girl

Hi, I am a bulimic girl. I am 19 years old going on 20. I wanted to start a blog on this because I want to share my experiences, and also because I cannot keep all these inside of me, its killing my softly. I feel a need to let it all out. I live a normal life, just like any other girl you know. But I have a secret life. And that is that I am a bulimic. I cannot share this with anyone, no one at all. Not even my family, my closest friends, my boyfriend. This must be kept as an absolute secret. So I will share it with you. You are my my confidante, my virtual outlet. Just listen to me, leave me comments if you must, or leave if it disturbs you.

I started purging about a year ago. I started out on a massive diet. I felt that I was fat. I was 121 pounds, and 5.34 feet. In fact, I am overweight. I didnt feel good about myself. I felt disgusted everytime I looked in the mirror, and no clothes could ever look good on me. To be honest, I do have a pretty face, but my body just put me off real bad, and I couldnt take it anymore, and decided to go on a crash diet. I started reading up on calories, and I read that women my size should be consuming approximately 1600 calories. And to lose 1 pound of fat, I needed to cut down my calories by 3500. I wanted to be 110 pounds. That was my ideal weight, and I went on the craziest diet ever. From the moment I woke up, I ate only an apple, or sometimes a slice of bread. And drank water the whole day. And nothing else. If I must, I ate only soupy things. I kept this up for 2 weeks, and I lost 10 pounds. I felt good about myself, but it was agonizing. My stomach hurt so bad and made noises and everyone would stare at me when it did. It was painful and I had no strength or mood for anything other than sleeping.

When I was at 110 pounds, I wanted to be 100 pounds. I wanted to be skinny. And I started purging. It happened on night when I had a very huge dinner. When I got home, I felt really bad about myself, and sat at the toilet bowl crying. Then I remembered I read an article about purging, and I thought to myself how easy it must be to throw up after a big meal of enjoying all the food. Its almost like, cheating. And I tried to vomit everything out. It was difficult at first, I stuck my forefinger down my throat. Nothing happened. Then I tried 2 fingers. I started gagging and choking. But I continued. I thought about all the food leaving my body and how good it must feel. Through tears and determination, the gagging and choking soon brought about chunks of food out of my mouth along with it. My throat stung with acid, stomach hydrochloric acid. It didnt feel nice, it felt like a hot and burning sensation on my throat. But it was also the sensation of triumph, triumph over the conquer of food. And I was addicted to purging ever since.

I thought of it as a mere form of cheating. Like how you would cheat during exams, and get good grades for it. I felt good about myself everytime I purge, but deeper inside, I knew I was doing harm to my body. I was hurting my body. But I didnt care. I wanted to be skinny, thin, beautiful. I didnt think of myself as a bulimic then. I simply thought of myself as a girl with power over my body. Everytime after I purge, I feel satisfied and happy with myself, like I am high on alcohol. Although my eyes would be red with bulging veins and my throat stinging with acid, I felt triumphant. I had control.

After 2 months of purging, I dropped to a mere 100 pounds, and I was happy as a lark. Literally. I do feel extremely satisfied with myself. And slowly, I started to develop anorexia, without me realising it. I start counting my calories, making sure I never exceed 1000 calories a day. And everytime I do eat, I have to go to the toilet and try to vomit everything out. There were some days where I only consume 100 calories. I was so afriad of gaining weight.

At first, I refused to believe I was a bulimic. But as I turned to online forums to read more about my own behaviour that I am so unfamiliar with, I realized that I do possess the many symptoms of a bulimic. So strange that I can identify them but refuse to believe them. I was living in denial. And my life was slowly eaten away. Everyday, food become an obsession for me. Even til now. I drool when I see food, I want to eat. But I cannot bring myself to. When I give in to temptation, I rush to the toilet to purge. When I cant purge, I get so mad at myself I start crying and going into a terribly foul mood, and starve myself the next day.

I am still battling this disease, I cannot help it. I am trying to stop myself from purging, but its so hard. Im trying Im trying Im trying. But I cant.